"Kick it. Spin it. Bend it. Move it.”
Hold on to your leashes, my friends. It’s time to buckle in and get ready for the January New Year Resolution Ride.
Yes, that’s actually a thing, and yes, I have a loved one who has plumb gone crazy and jumped aboard this un-amusing-to-me roller coaster ride and is now screaming with both hands in the air.
“Wheeee! I WILL LOSE WEIGHT IF IT KILLS ME! Wheeeeee!”
All day long she rides the rails at the Caught-The-Health-Kick-Fever Carnival. Twisting. Turning. Wailing. Groaning.
It’s like living with a terrier who has developed a caffeine-secreting tumor.
“Reach. Squat. Reach. Squat. Yes, I’ve got this! Now one. Two. Three. Oof. Okay, that hurts a little. But I can do it. What does Dory say? Just keep stretching. Just keep stretching. Whoa. How does that lady keep going in the video? I’m dying here. One. Two. Oof. So sore. Okay, fine. You just keep going, girlfriend. I could do that, too, when I was your age. Push the pause! (Pant) Push the pause! I’ve gotta rest for a few seconds.”
When Mom moves on to “Ab Workout Time” and lies down on the living room rug, Ellie and I know that it’s time for us to go to work, also. We grab a toy and stand over her as she tries to bicycle through some abdominal crunches.
“Girls. Girls! No. No. I am trying to focus here. Elbow to knee. Elbow to knee. Bicycle. Bicycle. Bicycle. Phhhtttthhht! Yuck! That is so gross. You dropped that slimy toy in my mouth! Girls, this is not playtime for you! (Pant) The video is still going. (Pant) Bicycle. Bicycle. Bicycle.”
I’m sorry but - when an owner is lying on the floor moving their arms and legs - if that isn’t an invitation to play, then I don’t know what is. And we accept the invitation! Ellie continues to bring various toys to drop on Mom, while I lie down either on her head or her shoulder and put my paw on her face.
In my opinion, a good exercise program should include time for petting the dog at some point in the video. And if it there isn't time scheduled, then it is okay for the dog to insert themselves into the program.
Alas, my friends, the workout videos are one thing but - believe it or not - there’s something even worse. It’s one thing to live with a veterinarian who watches your calorie intake like a steely-eyed hawk. It’s totally ANOTHER thing when said veterinarian puts herself on a diet AND has no clue how to suffer in silence.
“Omigosh. I am STARVING! What was I thinking to cut back on sugar? I just want ONE M&M! This is SO painful. I LOVE sugar. I love scones. I love cookies. I love chocolate. Is there any chocolate anywhere in this house? I just need a tiny piece. Did I give it all away? Oooh, I am dying for chocolate. Help me, girls. Help me.”
She’ll crawl over to us, but not to shower us with love. Instead, she whines in our silky soft ears. “You don’t know how hard this is, girls. You get your food measured in a cup twice a day. I need my OWN food measured in a cup! Then I wouldn’t overeat.”
Because I, myself, also LOVE to eat, Mom tries to prevent me from devouring my entire meal in twenty seconds by putting the kibble in a little green ball, and I have to roll it around to get the food to fall out.
I TOLD HER TO PUT HER OWN FOOD IN A BALL, JUST SO SHE COULD SEE HOW MUCH FUN IT IS!
(She said maybe she would consider putting all of her snacks in the green ball if regular dieting doesn't work.)
The one GOOD thing that has come out of all of this is we have been going on LOTS of winter hikes, which Ellie and I just love because that means LOTS of animal smells along the trail. My mom has psoriatic arthritis, so sometimes her knees send us down the shorter trail but we usually go the long way if we can.
“Nature is good for our physical AND mental health, girls,” she tells us. “Today, let’s ignore my barking knees and take the long trail home.”
So, to my dog friends out there, if your owners are currently on the New Year Resolution Ride then you have my sympathies. Try to support them as best you can. Bring them toys. Put your paw on them when they whine too much. Send them doggy voodoo vibes to help them grow more of a backbone while they're shrinking their BMI.
And to you owners who have decided to join the weight loss/eat healthy craze and are now eating less than you would like to. And are hungry much of the day. And would love to find a stash of goodies somewhere in the house.
Welcome to your dog's life.
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